I think its about time I blogged again. It has been almost 3 months...wow! I have to say these last three months, this summer has gone by so quickly. I can't believe it's already August. I have been taking two summer classes so I can finish school, and will officially be a college graduate!!! Yeah!!! It is so exciting, but yet somehow it is a little scary to me. There is this whole new world full of no classes, but yes the "real" world of work and becoming an adult. For so many years I have done school, almost 20 years I have been in school.
Now I am just weeks away from being done, and I have no idea of what I am going to do, where I am going to be, or what I want to do with my life. So many questions, so many doubts. People have been telling me, ' You have time to figure things out.' In a way I do, but I also wish it would come a lot sooner than later. I have so many ideas that are going around in my head, so many questions: should I stay in South Dakota or move somewhere else? maybe back to Nashville? I loved it there, but it is so far away from my family, and I don't have a job or place to live? I could go somewhere else...Sioux Falls SD or another state. I would really love to start somewhere new. Somewhere where I could begin fresh, but than I look at my bank account and think, well I should probably make some money first.
A friend had talked to me about doing a 6 month internship in Australia at Focus on the Family there with her, and at first I was so excited, and it sounds great...but now I am not sure.
So many questions, so many doubts. Not sure where to go. Why is it that we as humans feel as though we need to figure things out on our own, or maybe it is just me. I tend to want to take matters into my own hands and try to do things my way. I have honestly been so distant from God over the last 6 months or so. My desire for Him has not been there. I have felt so dry, and really not wanting a lot to do with him. Over the last 6 months I have maybe opened my Bible at the most 5 or 6 times. I have not journaled or really prayed. My faith or belief in Him has not gone away. I don't really know what it has been. There have been some days over this period of time that I have thought, I need Jesus. I need Him in my life and I desperately want my relationship with Him to be the way that it was. But then I get busy with my life, and those thoughts and feelings easily go away. What I am finding is that I can exist without God, I can go through my life and enjoy it, but I do not fully LIVE. I am not fully ALIVE, I am just merely existing, wasting another day, letting time tick away.
It would be easy for me to look back and regret things over the past 6 months or so with my relationship with God, but I am not going to do that. I want to move forward. My desire for him is still not there, my passion is not there, but I want to pursue him. I know that this is a season, and I will eventually get through it. But I have come to a point where I cannot just sit and wait until I feel something from God. I cannot rely on my "feelings or emotions." God is present with me and is moving in my life whether I feel him or not. He wants to be actively involved in my life, and help guide me through my decisions and wants to be apart of everything I do. He is always willing, but much of the time he is waiting for us to give him permission to act in our lives. To live surrendered to his calling, to who He is, and all that He is in our lives. God doesn't need me, but he made me and wants to use me. He wants to use me to fulfill His purpose on this earth. So many times I feel so inadequate, so small and unable; but I think that is how God wants it. If I knew I could do everything or most anything in my own strength, I couldn't rely on Him. It wouldn't be God working in me or through my life. It is in my weakness that He is strong.
Right now, I am at a state of weakness, of uncertainty. I don't know what my life will be like in the next month or year. Each day is a new day, and is full of surprises. It is easy for me to forget about God everyday, and choose to go my own way; but I need to let go of my pride, of my own selfish desires and give God control. I need to let Him be God in my life, and allow Him to guide and direct my steps. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways ACKNOWLEDGE HIM and HE WILL DIRECT YOUR STEPS."
God I want to trust you. I want to be fully dependent on you. God give me the desire for you, to seek you everyday of my life, and to not live in complacency and selfishness. My life has no meaning without you. God I want my life to be a reflection of you. You are constant, you are certain, you never change. God, I want to rest in you. I am certain that you have great plans and purposes for my life and I can be certain that my future is full of good things. I praise you for you have created me and you have formed me. I praise you because you know me, and you know my way.
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